Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
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Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
he’s doing your taxes
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
yeah not falling for this one
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably