That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??