The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
You Might Also Like
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Just grow your own
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.