The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
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No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
congratulations to them
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny