friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
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Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.