I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
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[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?