Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
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Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.