Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
You Might Also Like
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.