🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
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Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
(more comics:
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians