The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
You Might Also Like
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
LMAO
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Something Saturday.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.