There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
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what kind of cook setting is this??
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out