The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
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Raisins are grape jerky.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
good work, detective
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate