It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
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Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
When can I start eating bats again.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now