me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
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I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Living the best life.. 😊
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump