You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
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I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.