New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
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Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
it is time once again
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume