Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
You Might Also Like
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza