Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
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*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs