I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
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i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM