@mayamanion

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

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@mllebeckyrose

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

@murrman5

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

@TheTimmyToes

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

@hisamwelch

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

@Amanisnotadoor

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

@Sheila_Mac420

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

@AmishPornStar1

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

@sixfootcandy

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?