@mllebeckyrose 2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
@mayamanion My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
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@mllebeckyrose 
@murrman5 [having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
@TheTimmyToes will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
@hisamwelch gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
@Amanisnotadoor Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
@Sheila_Mac420 Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
@OhNoSheTwitnt Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
@AmishPornStar1 “What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
@sixfootcandy Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
@bornmiserable Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.