My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.