Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
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I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
These are too funny not to post 😂
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.