“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
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My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
The Friday File.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.