the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true