CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
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When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
why I oughta
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.