If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
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One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Did a trash talking tree write this?
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
life finds a way
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.