Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
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I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*