I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
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I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.