Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
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“and how does that make you feel?”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
This a good idea
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?