Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
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If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.