I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
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I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…