Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
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The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”