What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
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*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.