I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
the saddest jazz hands ever
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload