I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
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Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM