You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
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I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda