My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
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2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…