My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
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Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.