For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
You Might Also Like
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Taco Bell, Exit 22
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*