As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
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trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.