As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
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If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.