As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
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My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.