When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
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Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
🖤✌🏽
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Autocorrect completely socks
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*