We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
You Might Also Like
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
when mom throws a party…
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.