I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
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I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
normalize having existential bread