This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
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wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Jogging has never helped my memory.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.