You Might Also Like
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
How to make infinite energy.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.