everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
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Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
accurate
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.