“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
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I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.