“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
![]()
You Might Also Like
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”![]()
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.