Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
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Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*