teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
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God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
adding to the discourse
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss