*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
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Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers