I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
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I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.