calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
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I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.