calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
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a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.