calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
You Might Also Like
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Interior design 👌
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.