At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
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Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts